If you've ever met me, first, I apologize. Second, you likely noticed I'm an even 5'0"; perfect crotch-punching size. I promise I haven't decked anyone in the nards since my mother firmly informed me I was no longer allowed to defend myself against my brothers thusly. Nevertheless, I instill fear in some people because they naturally assume that I, like most short people, am actually three weasels in a trenchcoat, and we're aching for any reason to use our ratty little teeth on someone's belly.
Is it true? I can't say. I like to keep people guessing; it's a major survival advantage. Video games might have some answers for you, though. The digital world is home to tons of characters of diminutive stature who are not afraid to demonstrate that their bite is worse than their bark. Here are five heroes and villains who will gladly hop on the shoulders of their companions and rivals to fight the world.
FROG (Chrono Trigger)
Source: Square Enix
Chrono Trigger, one of the best RPGs of all time, is also the spawning pool of Frog, one of gaming's greatest little guys. Coincidence? No! Frog, Chrono Trigger's fallen knight, elevates the SNES classic to nigh-untouchable heights. Frog (whom I renamed "Yoshi" when I first played the game in 1995 because boy howdy, that tongue) was once a young human squire named Glenn. Glenn was apprenticed to Cyrus, the captain of Guardia's "Knights of the Square Table." (Geddit?) Sadly, a confrontation with the demon king Magus goes poorly for Guardia's champion. Cyrus is put down, and Glenn is cursed to be a frog both in name and form.
Frog is not much bigger than the greatswords he hefts around, but unlike white men, green frogs can jump. Frog has no problem getting the high ground on his enemies, and as we all know, the fight is over once you have the high ground.
The young boy Glenn is still deep inside Frog, and the lingering regrets come very close to poisoning the proud amphibian with sadness and hate. But unlike some of the characters on this list, Frog is far too gentlemanly for outbursts. He handles his stuff quietly and professionally with a big sword and a thick pair of shiny thighs. (Seriously, look up Chrono Trigger's Magus vs. Frog ending, it's badass.)
VAATI (The Legend of Zelda series)
Source: Nintendo
Five Nights at Freddy's hijacked all "Purple Guy" discourse long ago, but before a child murderer prowled the halls of a cursed pizzeria, a violet (and violent) villain blew into The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap. His name is Vaati. He will trample upon anyone who stands in the way of his quest for ultimate dark power. And my God, he is adorable.
Vaati is a member of the Zelda series' "Minish" race. Minish are basically a bunch of happy little elves that make their tiny homes amongst Hyrule's bigger folk, so it's already hard to take them seriously. Minish are generally peaceful critters but something about the darkness inherent to mankind's heart seduced Vaati into the study of demonic incantations. Now he desires strength above all else. Aw! Who's an evil widdle shoemaker elf? It's you, Vaati! It's you!
Oh, I might be part of the problem. No wonder Vaati wants the power to kick everyone's ass at the same time.
MARCO (Radiant Historia)
Source: Atlus
Beware the "Cinnamon Roll" in all media, i.e. the littlest, roundest guy in a troupe of beefy warriors and lithe mages. Characters described as Cinnamon Rolls usually keep a hopeful, cheerful front regardless of how much physical or psychological abuse they take. But look out: some Cinnamon Rolls have a button that, when pressed, causes the loveable dough ball to go nuclear.
Marco, the littlest swordsman in Radiant Historia, (Atlus' genius strategy-RPG for the Nintendo DS, why is it not on the Switch??) is the faithful right-hand man of the game's main character, the mercenary Stocke. Marco and Stocke live in a failing, fading world filled with environmental disasters and political subterfuge. Human bonds no longer mean much, but Marco trundles behind Stocke and remains light-hearted no matter how rough the road gets.
Radiant Historia's mechanics revolve around Stocke changing the future by rerouting history. That means it has lots of endings, most of them bad. Faithful little Marco is the focus of an ending called "Simmering Fury," which pairs two words you don't want to see anywhere near a Cinnamon Roll. See, Marco is sweet on a girl who is a spy, and when she's caught, Stocke has to choose between empathy and duty even though he knows what they do to spies in jail…
Sometimes overcooked pastry burns, and sometimes it just explodes.
HEISMAY (Metaphor)
Source: Atlus
I will not confirm that the tiny ninja from Metaphor is the patron rodent of this list, but neither will I deny it. Heismay is a Eugief, which is a reclusive batlike race that only stands up to the knee of the other races living in Metaphor's medieval world. Eugief are trampled upon figuratively and, unfortunately, literally. They prefer to huddle in small villages and keep out of the other races' way.
Except for Heismay, who speaks with the voice of ten men despite being a meter tall. Like Frog before him, Heismay is a hermit knight whose soul has been stilled by his anger over tragic personal events. When you free Heismay from the pet carrier he's built around his own soul, you gain a faithful companion whose sting will not go unnoticed by the enemy. Heismay might be tiny, but don't you dare think yourself equal to a Eugief's agility.
THE LALAFELL (Final Fantasy XIV)
Source: Square Enix
People who play as the Lalafell race in Final Fantasy XIV are also the kinds of people who like to watch videos of babies fighting. Oh, not those baby fights, not the ones with the knives and the dynamite. Just some open-hand slapping where everyone walks away after having a good time. The Lalafell that toddle all over the continent of Eorzea and beyond are good natured and simply love a harmless prank. Espionage, regicide, prank linkshell calls, stuff like that.
Okay, you know what? I refuse to be a cog in this charade. The Lalafell were born when Zodiark's own "Precious Moments" collection came to life and escaped the Void. Everyone's afraid to say it, but I will. Whenever some kind of gadget goes kablooey, whenever someone slips a knife into a political rival, (whether literally or abed,) at least one Lala is involved.
Want your ultimate proof that small video game characters shouldn't be messed with? They're everywhere in the oceanic city-state of Limsa Lominsa. And they all know how to dislocate your hip with a single strike.
There you have it. Hurrah for the little guys and the corium-hot engines of chaos that power the ambitions in their heart. Please don't mistake this list for evidence that every small creature has a store of personality or energy that's far too big for their tiny frames. I am small, and I mostly want to sleep. I think I speak for a lot of my fellow Hobbits on that point.
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replyNadia Oxford posted a new article, 5 vicious little guys in video games
