Shacknews special investigation: Are you dog water?

I like to consider myself hip. How could I not? I’m a white male thirty-something with an affinity for video games and breakfast buffets. If there is some grand creator of life who knows all and sees all and is capable of creating life on a whim, then it stands to reason that I would be the result should said creator press the Cool Human button on the human machine. Obviously, everything I wrote above is total nonsense, but I’d love for it to be factual. The truth is, across the online gaming landscape, I am dog water.

What is this dog water, you ask? Like any slang worth picking up, its truest meaning can only be understood by the hip youth from which the expression was born. That said, using contextual clues, years of experience interacting with people online, and some Google-fu lead me to the conclusion that dog water is an expression used against someone of little to no worth. It’s something that your own kids say about you when your back is turned when you unknowingly fail to understand a pop culture reference or sing the lyrics to OMC’s How Bizzare out loud — in 2021. 

The etymology of dog water

The use of dog water as derogatory online slang began way back in December of 2020, according to the internet’s top word scientists. The legend goes that Fortnite celebrity Peace Control Kyle (m1lk_w on TikTok) uploaded some video to TikTok on December 8, 2020. In said video, Peace Control Kyle managed to box in a rival Fortnite competitor and chose to begin a monologue in an effort to disparage his captive.

While the original upload has since been removed, it was shared at enough volume to ensure that a meme was born. Even before Christmas, you had a strong chance of being labeled as dog water if you found yourself boxed up in Fortnite.

Played my 6 year old son in fortnite and apparently I’m not that good. I believe the term he used was Dog Water 😭

— Paul Millsap (@Paulmillsap4) April 24, 2021

As we now sit closer to the halfway point of 2021, it is increasingly likely that one or more packs of children have determined you to be dog water based on your performance in the various online games that are currently popular. You might be saying out loud, “That can’t be me. I do well for myself online.” From one out of touch old to another: you are kidding yourself. 

There was a time many moons ago when you were absolutely wrecking your elders when you told them to eat your shorts or if you referred to your best mate as your home skillet. That was twenty-five years ago, mompants. Time has passed us by. If you don’t want to be heckled by today’s youth, you’re going to want to practice first-person aiming and avoid situations where you may become boxed in. Alternatively, be less bad.

Chris Jarrard

Contributing Tech Editor

Chris Jarrard likes playing games, crankin' tunes, and looking for fights on obscure online message boards. He understands that breakfast food is the only true food. Don't @ him.