mr.sleepy on Cortex

IGN's "2015 Game of the Year", The Witcher 3, stars fewer black characters than any episode of Friends.

Polish developer CD Projekt Red, who also created of the succesful Deus Ex parody "Cyberpunk 2077", became aware of the lack of diversity in their award winning title via years of complaints by the black gamer community, otherwise known as the "N-AAA-CP". The group is named for their enjoyment of Triple-A games made by companies like Naughty Dog, Rockstar Games, and 343 Industries. Several key members of the CDPR team decided to take the initiative and, as early as 2019 have been adding black people via a DLC package for a game that, like Congress, only features white people and the undead.

The DLC will also allow players to alter the skin tone of Witcher 3's hero "Geralt of Rivia", and enhance the length of his penis to as long as 9 inches.

9 inches from the ground.

Shacknews went to the home of African American PS5 owner Demetrius Winslow Braxton, a native of Detroit, for a brief interview in his living room where he enjoys video games after work. We were also joined by his girlfriend "California", who enjoys watching Mr. Braxton play video games. Braxton told shacknews about his introduction to CDPR's [most recent good video game] Witcher 3.

"So there I was at gamestop, you feel me? And I asked the worker dude, 'yo cuz, I'm tryin' to kill some monsters, swing swords, do some voodoo shit, you feel me? I been in that mood lately, since me and California been watchin' that Game of Thrones shit. And the worker dude handed me a hard copy of Witcher 3 and said, 'Well you should try this', and man, I looked at the cover when he handed it to me, and I was like 'Damn!' Okay, okay , you might be onto something. Because that main character? Oooohwee, he look mean as fuck!" It was then that Braxton was certain he'd found a match.

"So then I says to the dude, "Damn, alright, so lemme axe you, before I buy this, do I get to play as this dude on the cover?" And the worker dude told me, "Yeah. That's Geralt. He's a witcher, and he's the main character of the game".

"I was kinda confused", Braxton told shacknews.

Explaining why, he continued, "I mean the main character has white hair like Santa Clause, skin pale as Michael Jackson, and his eyes are yellow, but he's Mexican?"

When asked why he assumed the witcher was Mexican, Braxton said, "I thought he said his name was Geraldo."

"So it was my birthday and California bought that shit, took it home, and I started playin that shit. And god DAMN, it was tight as fuck! You feel me? I loved that game from start to finish. I got through all of the whole map, and finished the story and DLC.

"And it wasn't until the credits came up that me and California started talking about the story, thinking about all the environments and characters... and we both felt like something was missing from the whole cast. We looked at eachother and said..."

California finished her boyfriends statement, asking "...Howcome.... there ain't... no... niggas in this whole game?",

Braxton went on, claiming he "didn't see one, not one black person in the whole mutha fuckin game. I ain't remember if I did, at least. Like, forreal? In Grand Theft Auto, Rockstar put, like a billion niggas in that game, and of course in NBA2K it's just niggas, niggas, MO' niggas, just niggas as far as the eye can see.... But in Witcher? You mean to tell me they got this Mexican dude Geraldo, and the game has humans of almost every category EXCEPT black. Apparently, they even motion captured an aborted fetus...." Braxton remarked,

"And don't forget, baby, they had them big ass arachnids that are 7 foot tall, too", California continued,

"And these fucked up looking, brown and orange necrophage dudes", Braxton added,

"AND!! They even put in gigantic fucking centipedes", California added,

Braxton continued, "Oh! yeah, uh! And they go them uhh, what were they called?"

"uh, NEKKERS?", Braxton said.

"Yeah. They got NEKKAS", California confirmed, "but no NIGGAS?", California frowned, sucking her teeth in dismay, folding her arms enunciating the similarity between the two words.

Shacknews reached out to CD Projekt Red's lead designer, and uncannily named Polish person "Symon Kowalska", who spoke to our Urban Correspondent Mr. Sleepy via Myspace.

"While we were pretending to develop Cyberpunk 2077, we kept getting emails from the N-AAA-CP, most of them saying things like Mr. Braxton and his lovely girlfriend California have expressed. Like, 'Why aren't there any black people in the game? Why are there only white people, small and large, big and tall, and then monsters in Witcher 3? Why do some of the monsters have stereotpically ethnic features?", Kowalska said, while picking pieces of Kielbasa Pork from his teeth with a miniature sword. "Cyberpunk 2077 was, originally, a simulator we were working on, actually. It was supposed to simulate the experience of being African American in modern day USA; where you're black and heavily armed police appear out of thin air when you try to buy a candy bar from a vending machine. People think that's a bug, but it was originally a feature."

"By the way, have you ever tried true, real authentic Kielbasa? It's pretty good. But I digress; with Witcher 3's lack of diversity, we learned that it was a bad look. So we stopped pretending to work on Cyberpunk 2077 and focused all of our efforts in putting African Americans into Witcher 3", Kowalska told Shacknews.

During Shacknews interview with Braxton and California, we asked the Detroit couple if they had any plans on trying Cyberpunk 2077, a game based on the groundbreaking tabletop RPG created by the African American proto-nerd known as Mike Pondsmith.

Responding to this, Braxton said "What?"

"What the fuck kinda last name is 'Pond-smith'?"

"He from the pond? Is this nigga Aquaman?", Braxton remarked.