Standing outside the charred remains of his home Chuck Cuckerson looks on with bewilderment.
"I never imagined something like this could happen to me," he said between wrecking sobs. "I did everything right. I had smoke detectors, a fire extinguisher, an emergency plan, and every single day I took a massive dump right in the middle of the living room."
Cuckerson, who shids and fards big poopoos from his buttehole, has lived in the home for twelve years.
"A few years ago I decided to live a greener lifestyle so I moved out of the city to a smaller home near the woods and didn't install a toilet to save water. For a while, everything was great. Every single morning I woke up, walked right into the middle of my living room and took a huge steaming dump on the floor."
Asked why he didn't defecate in the local woods Mr. Cuckerson explained the idea never occured to him.
"To me it just makes a lot of sense if you really, really think about it, to shit all over your own home as much as possible. At first my wife and kids complained about the smell but I said 'Hey, you can go into another room, what's the big deal?'"
Cuckerson, whose hobbies include playing Nintendo games on his switch console, ruminating for hundreds of hours in online forums over which Star Wars movies were best, and literally taking huge earth-shattering craps throughout his home, says that while he's upset with losing his home he knows in his heart he couldn't have done anything different.
"The firefighters said there was a massive buildup of methane and dried feces throughout the home, but that doesn't sound right to me. Everything was normal; I was jerking off while reading my own internet posts which is the only way I'm able to climax, may have gone a bit harder than usual, and a spark flew off my tiny dick into an old dried up pile of shit, but I don't see how that could cause a fire."
We reached out to AMD who told us the man was "probably a Mac guy" and asked us not to contact them again.
As for Mr. Cuckerson, he's not deterred.
"I think it can be saved. Once they've removed my partner's charred remains and the place has cooled down a bit I'm going to take the biggest shit you've ever seen right there on the front steps. It'll be fine. Things are fine."
