How to Write For Shantynews
Are you a third-string staff member on an obscure, unprofitable video game website? Did you miss your calling as a comedian or at least an actual journalist? Have student loans to pay? Do they even pay you in anything other than questionable alt-coins? Has your boss not responded to you on Slack in six months?
Don't be sad. Publish a Shantynews article! You don't even have to use your real name. We realize that not everyone around here can be David Craddock.
Here are some helpful tips to get you started:
Shit on the Chatty Community
I mean, fucking hell, this shithole is positively infested with mediocre, middle-aged white men who work in tech. They're all pushing 40 now and won't shut the fuck up about how much Cyberpunk sucks. Donald Trump might be out of the White House, but you can bet your freshly shorn scrotum they'll continue publishing a daily political thread where they can beat all nuance into the ground in a contest to see who can be more of a frothing socialist.
These obnoxious fucks make a perfect punching bag. Just have it at, they'll probably even lol-tag you while you're in the process of telling them how fucking pathetic they all are. It's cheaper for most of them than paying for cock and ball torture on Backpage.
Since "Delete your account" and "Cancel your Mercury Subscription" have already been covered, i'll charitably suggest some other topics. How about "Shut the Fuck Up About Your Mercury Rewards," or the promising "Please Fucking Kill Yourselves Already, No, Seriously." Those two are free. You're welcome.
Just Make Dick Jokes or Something
I don't know, talk about a reporter self-fellating. That's classy. Or recycle jokes about registering WinRAR. Hell at this point just post something funny you saw on Reddit. It works for half the top chatty posters, I don't see why it wouldn't work for you. If you drive enough page views you might even get rewarded with a spicy meme, maybe of that lumberjack guy nodding in approval. That sort of validation really has no price tag.
Take a Break, Loosen Up
It's hard work writing a hundred SEO articles a day where the title is a question and the answer is "No." But this is what you got a degree for, after all. Take a break now and then and just use Shantynews as a way to unwind and release all the impotent rage building within you. Afterwards you can daydream about working at the Onion or maybe even the Babylon Bee. Just... don't look at your student loan balance. Just don't. This is not crying time. That's later, when you're alone and have lotion.
Whatever You Do, Hold The Pedal To The Floor
Wow, did you write an article and the whole thing just seems unncessarily spiteful and mean? Should you revise it a little - maybe dial it back just a bit to be more in line with the sort of feisty but good natured spirit Shacknews has always represented until now? Absolutely fucking not! What the fuck is wrong with you? This isn't the time to think about consequences. Hit publish, you fucking pussy.
Actually, Just Get Mr.Sleepy to Write For You Instead
Now that I think about it though, please just do us all a fucking favor. Mr.Sleepy is funnier than you, and you supposedly do this for a living. He's turning out Cortex articles right and left that actually make people laugh, and he's doing it from a 2008-era Nokia phone in his bathroom while he takes a deuce between producing albums. Do you produce albums? Do you do anything at all other than potentially disappoint your younger self if you had a time machine?
I hope you enjoyed these tips, and good luck making Shantynews all it can possibly be! Literally dozens of Twitter likes await you. Sky's the limit!
