One of the most anticipated game releases of 2020 is Cyberpunk 2077, and a lot of reviews have been posted today. We are hearing stories of bugs, social issues, and crunch, but we have dug up even more dirt for our loyal readers. Here's our exclusive news story about a well-known games journalist and his very injured penis.
Most quality websites received review copies of Cyberpunk 2077 last week, and as part of their thorough playthrough our colleague decided to test out the penis tech in the game. This video game media member spent about 5 hours customizing their genitals in CP 2077, but realized that there might be more to the game other than hot dongs.
"I was about wrapped up with my Cyberpunk 2077 review, but I wanted to get even more in the minds of the developers and public relations team at CD Projekt Red. So I thought, 'what better way to emulate my heroes than to try to suck my own dick?'" said our anonymous colleague. "You see, Cyberpunk 2077 is just one big self-fellatio session. From the countless vapid influencer cameos to the tiptoeing around actually important social issues, the game and studio just can't help but suck its own dick."
It's all fun and games until you snap your dick in half. The intrepid games journalist found that while Keanu Reeves may have no problem sucking on his own penis, most members of the games media are just not that limber.
"I felt a sharp pain in my back as I kept pushing my head towards my dong, but I perservered. It wasn't until I got the tip in my mouth that I had a huge muscle spasm, causing me to bite down on my member."
The ambulance arrived almost an hour later, taking our brave colleague to the hospital where he remains under intensive care.
This story is still developing, but Shantynews is on the case!
- posted by Kevin Lomax
