Real Men Play Real Guitars (and Fuck Real Women)
by Joseph Creed
Editor, Dragonforcefans.geocities.com
Do you hear this? This is the sound of a real guitar. Why does it hurt your ears? Because you've never used them before.

This sound isn't created in your mother's basement. It's created in the garage. This sound isn't made by pressing a button to the rhythm of a corresponding colored gem. This sound is made of metal. It isn't formed with just a circuit board, but with pure power and sweat and hardcore vengeance of the rolling dawn upon the everlasting green hills. This sound is Dragonforce.

It's like when Totman sings, "Smashing through the boundaries with the fire and fury/Killing all the mortals down the winding road." Like when I expose my sick tats and walk into a Wal-Mart, Dragonforce destroys boundaries. Like black segregation, Guitar Hero creates them.

You think Herman Li became the god that he is by playing OK Go on a guitar made for children three and up? You are sorely mistaken. Honestly it's just sad that you are wasting your time either way (I am 100% certain neither you or anyone else on this planet would ever be able to even approach Herman's skill no matter how hard you tried), but at least have some self respect.

And this Rock Band is even worse with the tom-tom bongo drums. How you can even pretend to play metal without a second bass drum pedal is beyond me. It's nice you can have your girlfriend do the kick pedal for you though because I know you probably don't even understand what rhythm is. Oh wait you probably don't know what a girlfriend is either. At least you can make a fake girl named Girlfriend and sing along to crap like The Who (overrated trash) while you play your fake plastic guitar.

It seems like I'm the only one who appreciates real musicianship these days. If you can't comprehend what it takes to create an epic song like TTFAF, you shouldn't be allowed the fun of pretending to play it.

"Lost in a dream in a boundless sea/Rivers of pain are guiding me/Defending this land from the sins of man/Never surrender our dreams again."

Amen, Sam.

This Game Looks Awesome, But Will You Be Able to Drown People and Animals?
by The Internet
Humanity Conglomerate
Am I the only one who cares about this?

Don't get me wrong, I am really looking forward to this game and everything, the graphics are cool (and the shooting is cool), the RPG parts are cool, the Tetris minigame is fun, the tricycle combat stuff looks fun, and the way you can walk into a store and change your shoes is pretty sweet.

But what I want to know is this: can I drown people and animals? Can you force your enemies to drown in a toilet?

Am I the only one who wants this? Come on, guys. Speak up.

Can I drive down a street, get out of my car, walk into a building, and force say a squirrel to drink water by pushing its face into a toilet until it dies? And then can I use that same bowl of water to drown a soldier? Will the water level lower as it fills their lungs? This wouldn't even be that hard to do so I don't understand what the problem is.

Why is it so hard to get an answer on this? Am I the only one who gets how cool this would be?

This is one more reason why this company never listens to its customers. I have a lot of experience moderating internet forums and in all my long years I've never seen a company that totally ignores its customers like this. Don't you think we deserve some realism in a game that is marketed as realistic? I bet you can't even flush toilets in this game, and that was my favorite part of Prey--also a game that needed per-pixel drowning.

What would be cool is if you made it so that the squirrels took up less water than people when they drown because they have smaller squirrel lungs. Obviously with a bear you would need to keep flushing the toilet a lot because it's gonna be harder to take down. I'm guessing a deer has small lungs, I'm not sure but that's why we're paying you $60 for this game, it's your job to figure it out.

I can't be the only one out there who wants to see this happen.

These Generic Death Metal Songs Greatly Enhance My World of Warcraft Videos
by Christopher Lumet
Youtube Auteur
I think everyone who knows me would agree that my World of Warcraft videos have always had a certain cinematic brilliance to them, an avant-garde quality that only I have really managed to pull off. After all, I possess a keen sense of mise-en-scene if you will, evident in my A- grade on the first impromptu paper from the History of Film class I took last semester for three weeks.

Unfortunately my class was full of Luddites, so I quickly grew bored of the whole exercise. Perhaps I would have stayed--if only for the instructional benefit to my peers--but the professor banned me from raiding during class. I am sure you can understand my predicament. It must be hard going through life as such an ignorant suit.

Since then I have kick-started a true renaissance of digital photography. However, one thing has been missing all this time, one ingredient, which has now begun to steadily elevate my style like a Willowback Dunestrider increases his damage over time.

Death metal.

Nothing enhances the inner struggle of pink-haired gnomes, the eternal conflict between Alliance and Horde, and the endless scrolling of battle statistics more than death metal. Slayer. Cannibal Corpse. Morbid Fury. Anything with the throaty screams of men piercing through their thick manes of hair, set to the hellish sounds of shredding flesh and whipping locks.

Nothing compliments a Sunday stroll to the virtual auction house with my friend Lordcloudstrife better than Raining Blood. When it comes to battlegrounds, I'm more of a Liquid Mucus fan, as I feel it brings out the true visceral nature of automatic attacks and button-based combat. It really gets your blood pumping, gets you ready to jack back into Azeroth for another 18-hour day of shooting.

For straight raid scenes, I prefer something like Maggot Monkey, but sometimes I'll go with a little Laceration Joke, or maybe cut some Zombie Acid in for a more melancholic denouement.

It's really all about thinking outside of the box and doing what feels right at the time. You have to trust your instincts. That's what being an artist is all about.

On Integrity in Gaming Journalism
by Kane
Flawed Mercenary
I should regret it all. All the pain I've caused.








Fuck
by Lynch
Medicated Psychopath
Kane you fucking idiot. We had one job to do. One job. And now you've fucked it all up.

It wasn't about the money, Kane, or the fucking advertising. It was about the game. It was about the fucking killing. The fun of mass murder. Do you remember what fun is, Kane? Just shut the fuck up.

My mustache is frowning at you, Kane. If we had just killed a few more fucking cops, none of this would have ever happened. Our fucking fun factor would have gone through the fucking roof. Not that I fucking care about this fucking Gerstmann guy. Fuck him if he doesn't like shooting fucking cops.

I mean fuck, I make it a personal goal to kill three cops before breakfast. Journalistic integrity? What the fuck is that? Some shit that only cops care about. And we kill fucking cops over eggs and bacon. So fuck it. Who the fuck cares?

Fuck.