Published , by Lucas White
Published , by Lucas White
Sometimes I think about Funko Pops. I mean, you can’t go to a retail store in America without seeing them on a shelf or two. But they’re also an easy target for dunks on the internet when people talk about collectibles and fandom-centric merchandise. I have mixed feelings on them, and have fond memories of collecting some with my family due to their wide variety and cheap price. I understand the reputation, but at the same time it’s important to be fair. There are far, far worse products out there that fight for the ever-shrinking expendable income from nerds who can’t afford the expensive stuff.
This list is actually smaller than I thought it would be. Turns out, by focusing on video game licensing, a lot of the brands I pre-planned to include ended up not being eligible. I could’ve expanded the criteria, but I thought it was funnier to come to the conclusion that gamers are somehow more discerning with their merchandise spending compared to fans of superheroes or tv shows and movies. That’s a weird conclusion to arrive at in a world in which Ready Player One exists, but hey. The gamer camp needs wins where it can get them.
I already don’t like Monopoly for various reasons. It’s not a fun time for me, although I understand why people like it. Bias aside, I thought it was kind of cool when licensed Monopoly boards started popping up in stores… until I looked closer at them. Most of these things are super lazy, with spots on the map just being different characters and the boards in general just splattered with generic art assets. The Pokemon ones are especially bad! There are better ones that actually have effort put in, but they’re “Collector’s Editions” like for Super Mario Bros. and Zelda, and cost a ton of extra money. Sorry, but just slapping generic merchandise-approved art assets on a thing without adapting the property to the new medium sucks. That said, the Animal Crossing Monopoly game is actually really good! It’s also barely Monopoly, so that says a lot about what we’re dealing with here.
From a distance, I see the appeal of having a fun character on your desk to hold your phone or controller. But aside from like, the Sonic characters, a lot of the gaming licenses are not appealing at all. I dunno about you all, but the last thing I want on my desk is a cutesy, squished-down version of a war criminal from Call of Duty hanging out, offering to be my little desk buddy in exchange for like 40 bucks. No thanks man, I can hold my own controller. Go be a nuisance somewhere else.
I cheated a little because, as mentioned above, a lot of the “worse than Funko Pops” offenders don’t actually feature any video game characters. But I hate these things with all my heart and soul, and my face scrunches up whenever I see them. Luckily I don’t really see them that often anymore, but thanks to this list I had to remember they exist. And since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are one of the IP victims of this terrible, ugly, useless product, I’m using that to justify including them here. They’re ugly, they look stupid, and it doesn’t make any sense to put a heavy lump of plastic on a headphone cable. It’s probably bad for your ears! NECA normally makes pretty good stuff too, so Scalers stand out as especially egregious from a company that should know better.
Earlier, I said I came to a conclusion that gamers might be more discerning with their merch spending. I said it that way on purpose, because if I had said something like “gamers have better taste,” I would be telling a bald-faced lie. That’s because the kinds of t-shirts and other apparel I see branded with video game IP are consistently the worst articles of clothing made for grown-ass adults I’ve ever seen in my life. I have nothing against graphic tees, and own several myself. But pairing a controller or Nintendo character with awkward text like “Classically Trained” or the infamous “it’s on like Donkey Kong” is, in my mind, a criminal act.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m heavily addicted to caffeine. This past year, in my search for a coffee replacement that doesn’t tear up my guts, I landed on GFUEL. It started with a pseudo-ironic purchase of “Sonic’s Peach Rings” at a Sheetz one day, but that stuff turned out to be delicious. On the other side of the goofy, branded energy drink coin are these monstrosities. I see them all the time in little coolers at specialty/hobby shops or low-price stores like Five Below, and I can see how bad they taste from a distance. Also, looking at the ingredients. These all seem to be the same abhorrent concoction, just with different labels, all from the same company, a licensing outfit called Boston America Corp. I wouldn’t be surprised if whoever actually produces these things ends up in court in ten years for poisoning children. Yeesh.
Look, another thing I kept in mind when starting this list was that I was going to take it easy on the stuff made for actual children. It’s hard enough out there being a kid these days and wanting something like a toy from a game you enjoy that doesn’t cost as much as a pair of shoes. And I remember when I was a kid, those Stretch Armstrong gimmicks were really popular. It’s fun to stretch and squish things! But at the same time, I don’t think anyone with any kind of power in this world should be putting words like “goo” together with Sonic the Hedgehog. That’s just irresponsible. As someone who defends Sonic games more than most, even I know better.
Here we are, at the end of another wacky listicle from your boy. If you have any cringe gaming merch to share, let us know. This was the last list in my list of lists, so now I have to come up with more! This isn't as easy at it looks, folks. There's only so much cursed knowledge one person can hold in their mind. But hey if you have fun reading these, then I've done my job successfully.